Will This Be My Last Post About Him?

July 16, 2016

It’s like I’m slowly falling in love with the ideas of him..of missing him.

To tell the truth, there is no day that I haven’t thought about him. I am wondering every single day if he’s okay, what is his new plan. I want to badly know how’s his day been, if he started his diet and exercise; what time did he go to bed, what movies did he watch. I don’t know. I sound stupid right now. Because since the day he came into my life, I never stopped thinking about him. I somehow always wanted to go back to the start; that night.

We haven’t talked for a while now. It was like abandoning a house full of promising furnitures and lightings, the feeling. Like suddenly walking away from him, from each other with the hopes that one of us will cry out ‘stop!’ to stop the both of us from walking another foot away.

But no one’s crying out ‘stop!’. I guess we both have reasons; different reasons.

I might never stop him from walking away, because it doesn’t feel right. Even though there are days that my text message is just a click away. A message containing the words ‘i miss you’ and it’s not just an ordinary expression, because I mean it. There are days that I really wanted him to know that. But I can’t.

If this is a game of love, the ball is not on my court, it is in his.

Maybe some people will say; ‘I think you have to fight for him if you feel like falling in love with him.’ Sounds uhmm.. heroic, isn’t it? To fight and fight in the name of love. But I won’t. Simply because I have the instinct that I will not win whatever I do. It isn’t worth the leap if I know that I’m gonna jump at nothing.

Because sometimes, you have to get tired of risking to know if the person is worth risking.

I am not so sure if I am falling in love with him or just the idea of him. Those were two different matters. Maybe just because I realized that loving another person is happier than just being alone.

But you know what I realized?

I realized that God has always His own reasons why two people have to take different roads instead of just one. We might bump each other again along the way, only to find out that we still need time to grow apart. We might talk again, we might not. But whatever it is; God has reasons. I might not know those reasons again but I trust in it. Because that’s faith and I want to believe that I have it in me. (insert my wink)

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Hi, I'm j, 21 years of age. I am a fresh graduate of architecture. I want to explore life to the fullest. And if you want to talk to me, please do. jannapalad@gmail.com

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