That friend,

It’s been so long since I last wrote here. Now I wanted to write more often but don’t even know if I have the time.

I just want to share that I have this friend. Her name’s one of my favorite color, and it’s the color of the sunset. She and I started on an awkward foot. Being her my mentor. We had a lot of struggles together. There’s this incidence about her laptop being broken and there’s this misunderstanding that it was because of me and I needed to pay. I was so culture-shocked at my work at the time that I almost resigned.

Up to now, I hate that memory.

A few years went by and we went on to be that awkward friends. We never got along easily. The vibe for me was never the same. I feel like we’re not even on the same page most of the time but I learned a lot from her. She is intelligent.

Then I resigned from that company and I have been away for 4 months now. But she never forget me.

I never miss the feeling I have whenever I’m in my old company. I don’t miss their company too. But I appreciate.

Now she invites me to celebrate her despedida. I appreciate that she wanted me there. But there’s this feeling inside me that I am not comfortable enough to go there… with our company friends. She’ll migrate soon.

This feeling made me think that there are really those people, where you will forever feel the same. No matter how long, that never changes.

#personal

Father,

It’s been 51 days since you left this world.

It’s never easy but at least you are now fine with the Lord. We get sad at times but don’t worry, it is only because we are human.

I know I’ve had a lot of mistakes and I’ve got so many shortcomings with you, but I know that you know that I love you dearly. You will always be the first man I knew and loved.

I still wanted to do so much with you.  You taught me how to swim and how to ride a bike. I still remember how you picked me up whenever I fall. Things get harder whenever I go into reminiscing our memories together but those are all I have.

I don’t understand yet why things happened.  And i don’t get sometimes why life seemed unfair and greedy for us.

When I think about your pains, my heart aches but I can’t do anything.

I love you papa.

Unrequited

Love, you feel like worlds apart already. I’m proud of you, for wanting to know yourself; for singing your heart out and for serving the Lord. Whenever I look at you, my heart skips a beat. My eyes gravitate towards you and I kept thinking ‘what a handsome man God has made, what a good heart you must have’. I talked to you yesterday and I asked how you are and I always hope you’re okay. When you tried to offer your hand when I’m about to jump from the riser, I did not grab it. But I was looking at you and for a moment; it feels like there’s only me and you. Your voice is music to my ears, whenever you laugh and talk, makes me happy without you knowing it. But yesterday, I saw a glimpse of something, a dead end. I felt like whatever we have right now which is nothing; is what we’re meant to have for the rest of our lives. It’s tearing me inside and out but I have to accept things and try to be happy also. Just like how I felt happy when I saw a glimpse of you being my only man in this life that God has given me.

I miss the feeling of getting to know by someone.

It feels like a long lost memory.

For today, I’m a little too much for the world. Not all people will understand.

I’m a little too peculiar for the world to see.

I’m a little too kind for the world to care.

I’m a  little too loud for the world to hear.

I’m a little too much of anything I can think of, and no one will notice.

But I’m looking forward.

I’m back! Hoping to not leave again.

I rest for a while..

I’m going back now.

I’ll write again. Because I’ve gathered enough pains to turn into words and letters.

And while I’m still remembering my hashtags and categories, I know I’ll write again. Because I am trying to find my missing pieces. I know it’s clichè, being broken into pieces. But there’s always those times that life gives you some things that make you think you shattered inside; those things and moments are part of life.

It is up to you how to turn it into weapons for after those moments, life might give you something stronger. You might need a weapon. 

​It’s been a long day. 
Nagkaroon ng concert ngayon. Celebration ng Christ the King at pagtatapos ng jubilee year of mercy. It’s all worth it. Lahat ng mga pagod sa praktis which is hindi naman talaga ramdam, nag payoff. Si Lord, dahil sa kanya lahat ng yan. 

Runaway with me, will you? Oh, and one more thing, will you stay?

It’s hard to wait. I know.

But now I also know that, I’m not anymore afraid to love. To love and be happy or be hurt. I will wait even if it takes forever. I will love a man who deserves all the love I can give.

I’ll kiss. No matter how bad I think it’s gonna be. I’ll kiss slowly, intimately and gently. Because that’s how I want to receive the first kiss.

I will hold his hand and never let it go, except when he needs to pee. But kidding aside, I will never let go of the hand I have waited for too long and still waiting for I don’t know how long.

I already cut my hair super short expecting him to come before all the hair reaches my back. But now it’s almost all over my back. I was a fool to give love my own timeline. It can never work that way. If it takes more cutting of hair before I meet him, then so be it. I just pray I will meet him at the right length of my hair.

When the day comes I meet him, I would want him to runaway with me.

Gusto kong pumunta sa isang beach, yung may bonfire, may duyan. Yung cozy. 

Gusto kong makakilala ng ibang tao. Yung kaparehas ng gusto at ayaw ko. 

Balang araw…

Something Borrowed,2011

When there is really such a good movie, I can’t help but write a blog entry about it.

What is something that can be borrowed?

Is it a thing, a person, the time, the feelings?

Maybe the answer is; all of it.

Why’s loving a person sometimes becomes so complicated? Why can’t it be something that when you feel the first signs of love for a person, it will eventually work out for the both of you? What If you fall for the person and automatically that person falls for you too? Why do we fall on harder roads most of the time?

Why’s risking a little too hard? Why do we have multiple options sometimes? Why’s love genuinely complicated?

Maybe it’s because when love is real, it is something that is complicated enough to be treasured for eternity.

I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by a complicated love affair. To let yourself be dragged into anything even though you know you’re more than that, you’re-smarter-than-this kind of feeling.

We all deserve to be happy. We know that inspite of all the doubts we throw upon ourselves, we still believe that we deserve to be happy and that is the main reason we allow ourselves to do the things that we think can make us happy.

We sometimes fall into being an option instead of being the first choice. And it’s okay to take risks. At the very least we will be able to say that we’ve tried. And if in the end it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t but if it does, and it’s really meant to be, it will go greatly.

Life’s an interconnected web says someone I read from one of my syllabus. You might be an option to someone but someone out there might choose you and nobody else. You just have to trust and see; that love; like any other things in this world has its permanent pattern. And what I mean is:

Everything’s always in perfect balance.

To All the Young Women,

Dearest ladies and gentlemen (if there are guys reading this),

I just want to share something to you.

A moral, a love advice or whatever you call this. This is a personal thing for me but I am happy to share this.

I am just 21 years old. I cannot say that I have experienced a lot in relationships because I am the type of person that does not go into easy relationships, I mean, I don’t easily enter the romance thing with another individual unless I know that I unconditionally love and I am ready to seriously commit to that person.Right now, I haven’t felt it yet but I know that maybe someday, I will.

For me, too much heartaches are not requirements for us to grow and learn. Too much is never gonna do us any good.The right amount of pain can teach us things we need to remember; that is the reason why we have powerful minds to guide us along our journey.

Life is about choices. Our one choice leads to another (Nicholas Sparks, The Choice). We need our God-given minds to help us with our everyday decisions; in deciding what to wear, where and what to eat, if you are going to wash your hair or not and so many more; and it is always there. The mind never leaves the body, but when we love; we somehow lost it.

I am amazed at how falling in love can make you feel new. It’s wonderful when you get to lay your eyes on someone and suddenly, it gives you a rush of energy that you never thought you had. But in so many ways can tear you apart.

You know the feeling of the butterflies in your stomach? It’s clichè, right? How about the cold of your hands whenever you see him or her, the nervousness you feel when he or she’s around? My legs literally gets weak whenever i get the feeling that he’s around.The stutters when you talk? The changes in your voice or the different good way of treatment you have for him. Oh my. This is the phase of your life where you get insanely high? Without of course taking any weeds or booze or drugs. And yes, slowly I was falling in love, and fell into the thoughts of incorporating him in my future.

I don’t have many past relationships because things are not easy for me.I have lots of reasons, One is: I have high standards; the guy should be taller than me, pleasant looking and most importantly: God-fearing. I am one of the hundred thousand girls who would like to have God as the center of my relationships, whether in family, friendships and love. And Girls, you should never lower your STANDARDS just to have a love life. You will never be truly happy if you will only settle for that guy you just saw and met somewhere because it’s been a long while being single. Second: I was taking Architecture Program. I think it’s so hard to commit to something while I was studying an extraordinary course and I am not exaggerating. If I had a boyfriend maybe, he could not take me. The way I looked and smelled those days when I did my plates. I would not have time for him I’m sure of it because even I, had hardly any spared time for myself.Third: I commit to the choir, and that’s enough for me. It fulfilled me from the inside out. And that’s what complicates my life, My time is enough for me and my passion and that’s how hard it is for me to find someone I can share my life with.B eing with me alone, is not easy. 

Okay, so in my five years in college, I never had a boyfriend. I had two, in high school before but I think I can never count that in the serious category because being 15 slash 16 is entirely different now. But I must admit that I tried. Not once, not twice but quite a few times. In every guy, there’s an entirely different story. There’s this one guy I met at a bar; which is by the way a bi and gay. Alright, he tried courting me and I don’t have a problem with his sexual orientation as long as he proves me that he only wants me and no one else but it turned out that he was the one having problems with his own sexual orientation and I’m out. Then there’s this other boy in a networking company who happened to set his eyes on me but I found out that it was purely driven by lust. Oh. my. God. But I am not that type of girl. I don’t know what he saw, I am skinny and petite. I don’t really think there’s something to lust about me but my simplicity and besides, I also found out that he has a girlfriend and he is trying to make me his number two. Guys, really? I don’t even in the slightest bit deserve that so come on. I’m again, out in a second.Because girls, remember that true love is kind. And you will never ever deserve someone who offers you crappy feelings and lust. You. Deserve. More. Than. That. You deserve real love because Jesus died for you.

And lastly, there is this ‘friend’ who made me fall for him without the intention of catching me and my feelings and I ended up broken hearted. This one’s a hopeless case of a girl who fell inlove with pa-fall guys. In this story, I was the one to put the friendship at risk because I was the one who fell first. I actually thought we were mutual at first but that’s just what I thought. I confessed my feelings for him through a corny love letter. A love letter. Why didn’t I confess in person? It was because he has a hearing impairment which will make things harder for me and for him. Besides, I am really good at writing my feelings than saying it. But he turned me down, not once but twice. I was in fourth year college that time and it almost ruined me. I am good at things when I was in college but somehow, I shattered when he first turned me down. I lost my confidence somehow and I am having a hard time focusing on my major subject and I almost failed. Almost. Failed. I realized he was toxic for me and I needed almost a year to completely get over him because he was a friend. But I never get to save the friendship and I don’t really care. In this story, there was a moral. I realized a lot of things. I was blinded by my feelings and no matter how smart I think I was, it becomes useless when you let the feelings dominate you. You cannot force someone to like you back. There’s always a reason for unrequited love and you have to get out of it as soon as possible. If you stay in this kind of love, it is not love anymore, it’s worship.

Ask yourself this: Why would you want someone who never wants you? Is there any good in that?  

Guys and girls, take note of this: Love is patient. Be patient to wait for someone who deserves someone like you and the one you deserve. He or she is there. Trust these words, the one for you is just there; somewhere. Waiting for God’s right time. There’s a reason why these guys are never for me. And in those stupid days that I am into them, I may not realize why I can’t make things work out. But now I knew why.

I can’t work things out. You cannot force to work things out. If it doesn’t; then it probably won’t. This might be clichè also but in times you get hurt and blinded, do this: Breathe. Let go and let God. He has reasons. You might not know it yet but you will. Have that kind of faith.

If you are as young as me, don’t rush on having a love life. That’s unnecessary. That’s not important. You can live on your own for God’s sake. Love your family and yourself more. That’s easy as 1,2,3 if you believe God has something in store for you. Focus on living life more than dwelling in the aches. Do good things for yourself, because you deserve to give yourself the love you want from other people. You yourself can give it to yourself.

Have a great day ahead!