Father,

It’s been 51 days since you left this world.

It’s never easy but at least you are now fine with the Lord. We get sad at times but don’t worry, it is only because we are human.

I know I’ve had a lot of mistakes and I’ve got so many shortcomings with you, but I know that you know that I love you dearly. You will always be the first man I knew and loved.

I still wanted to do so much with you.  You taught me how to swim and how to ride a bike. I still remember how you picked me up whenever I fall. Things get harder whenever I go into reminiscing our memories together but those are all I have.

I don’t understand yet why things happened.  And i don’t get sometimes why life seemed unfair and greedy for us.

When I think about your pains, my heart aches but I can’t do anything.

I love you papa.

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Something Borrowed,2011

When there is really such a good movie, I can’t help but write a blog entry about it.

What is something that can be borrowed?

Is it a thing, a person, the time, the feelings?

Maybe the answer is; all of it.

Why’s loving a person sometimes becomes so complicated? Why can’t it be something that when you feel the first signs of love for a person, it will eventually work out for the both of you? What If you fall for the person and automatically that person falls for you too? Why do we fall on harder roads most of the time?

Why’s risking a little too hard? Why do we have multiple options sometimes? Why’s love genuinely complicated?

Maybe it’s because when love is real, it is something that is complicated enough to be treasured for eternity.

I know how it feels to be overwhelmed by a complicated love affair. To let yourself be dragged into anything even though you know you’re more than that, you’re-smarter-than-this kind of feeling.

We all deserve to be happy. We know that inspite of all the doubts we throw upon ourselves, we still believe that we deserve to be happy and that is the main reason we allow ourselves to do the things that we think can make us happy.

We sometimes fall into being an option instead of being the first choice. And it’s okay to take risks. At the very least we will be able to say that we’ve tried. And if in the end it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t but if it does, and it’s really meant to be, it will go greatly.

Life’s an interconnected web says someone I read from one of my syllabus. You might be an option to someone but someone out there might choose you and nobody else. You just have to trust and see; that love; like any other things in this world has its permanent pattern. And what I mean is:

Everything’s always in perfect balance.

To All the Young Women,

Dearest ladies and gentlemen (if there are guys reading this),

I just want to share something to you.

A moral, a love advice or whatever you call this. This is a personal thing for me but I am happy to share this.

I am just 21 years old. I cannot say that I have experienced a lot in relationships because I am the type of person that does not go into easy relationships, I mean, I don’t easily enter the romance thing with another individual unless I know that I unconditionally love and I am ready to seriously commit to that person.Right now, I haven’t felt it yet but I know that maybe someday, I will.

For me, too much heartaches are not requirements for us to grow and learn. Too much is never gonna do us any good.The right amount of pain can teach us things we need to remember; that is the reason why we have powerful minds to guide us along our journey.

Life is about choices. Our one choice leads to another (Nicholas Sparks, The Choice). We need our God-given minds to help us with our everyday decisions; in deciding what to wear, where and what to eat, if you are going to wash your hair or not and so many more; and it is always there. The mind never leaves the body, but when we love; we somehow lost it.

I am amazed at how falling in love can make you feel new. It’s wonderful when you get to lay your eyes on someone and suddenly, it gives you a rush of energy that you never thought you had. But in so many ways can tear you apart.

You know the feeling of the butterflies in your stomach? It’s clichè, right? How about the cold of your hands whenever you see him or her, the nervousness you feel when he or she’s around? My legs literally gets weak whenever i get the feeling that he’s around.The stutters when you talk? The changes in your voice or the different good way of treatment you have for him. Oh my. This is the phase of your life where you get insanely high? Without of course taking any weeds or booze or drugs. And yes, slowly I was falling in love, and fell into the thoughts of incorporating him in my future.

I don’t have many past relationships because things are not easy for me.I have lots of reasons, One is: I have high standards; the guy should be taller than me, pleasant looking and most importantly: God-fearing. I am one of the hundred thousand girls who would like to have God as the center of my relationships, whether in family, friendships and love. And Girls, you should never lower your STANDARDS just to have a love life. You will never be truly happy if you will only settle for that guy you just saw and met somewhere because it’s been a long while being single. Second: I was taking Architecture Program. I think it’s so hard to commit to something while I was studying an extraordinary course and I am not exaggerating. If I had a boyfriend maybe, he could not take me. The way I looked and smelled those days when I did my plates. I would not have time for him I’m sure of it because even I, had hardly any spared time for myself.Third: I commit to the choir, and that’s enough for me. It fulfilled me from the inside out. And that’s what complicates my life, My time is enough for me and my passion and that’s how hard it is for me to find someone I can share my life with.B eing with me alone, is not easy. 

Okay, so in my five years in college, I never had a boyfriend. I had two, in high school before but I think I can never count that in the serious category because being 15 slash 16 is entirely different now. But I must admit that I tried. Not once, not twice but quite a few times. In every guy, there’s an entirely different story. There’s this one guy I met at a bar; which is by the way a bi and gay. Alright, he tried courting me and I don’t have a problem with his sexual orientation as long as he proves me that he only wants me and no one else but it turned out that he was the one having problems with his own sexual orientation and I’m out. Then there’s this other boy in a networking company who happened to set his eyes on me but I found out that it was purely driven by lust. Oh. my. God. But I am not that type of girl. I don’t know what he saw, I am skinny and petite. I don’t really think there’s something to lust about me but my simplicity and besides, I also found out that he has a girlfriend and he is trying to make me his number two. Guys, really? I don’t even in the slightest bit deserve that so come on. I’m again, out in a second.Because girls, remember that true love is kind. And you will never ever deserve someone who offers you crappy feelings and lust. You. Deserve. More. Than. That. You deserve real love because Jesus died for you.

And lastly, there is this ‘friend’ who made me fall for him without the intention of catching me and my feelings and I ended up broken hearted. This one’s a hopeless case of a girl who fell inlove with pa-fall guys. In this story, I was the one to put the friendship at risk because I was the one who fell first. I actually thought we were mutual at first but that’s just what I thought. I confessed my feelings for him through a corny love letter. A love letter. Why didn’t I confess in person? It was because he has a hearing impairment which will make things harder for me and for him. Besides, I am really good at writing my feelings than saying it. But he turned me down, not once but twice. I was in fourth year college that time and it almost ruined me. I am good at things when I was in college but somehow, I shattered when he first turned me down. I lost my confidence somehow and I am having a hard time focusing on my major subject and I almost failed. Almost. Failed. I realized he was toxic for me and I needed almost a year to completely get over him because he was a friend. But I never get to save the friendship and I don’t really care. In this story, there was a moral. I realized a lot of things. I was blinded by my feelings and no matter how smart I think I was, it becomes useless when you let the feelings dominate you. You cannot force someone to like you back. There’s always a reason for unrequited love and you have to get out of it as soon as possible. If you stay in this kind of love, it is not love anymore, it’s worship.

Ask yourself this: Why would you want someone who never wants you? Is there any good in that?  

Guys and girls, take note of this: Love is patient. Be patient to wait for someone who deserves someone like you and the one you deserve. He or she is there. Trust these words, the one for you is just there; somewhere. Waiting for God’s right time. There’s a reason why these guys are never for me. And in those stupid days that I am into them, I may not realize why I can’t make things work out. But now I knew why.

I can’t work things out. You cannot force to work things out. If it doesn’t; then it probably won’t. This might be clichè also but in times you get hurt and blinded, do this: Breathe. Let go and let God. He has reasons. You might not know it yet but you will. Have that kind of faith.


If you are as young as me, don’t rush on having a love life. That’s unnecessary. That’s not important. You can live on your own for God’s sake. Love your family and yourself more. That’s easy as 1,2,3 if you believe God has something in store for you. Focus on living life more than dwelling in the aches. Do good things for yourself, because you deserve to give yourself the love you want from other people. You yourself can give it to yourself.

Have a great day ahead!

Ms. Congeniality

I heard this term, it sounds familiar to me.

Ms. Congeniality..

Let’s see why.

Hmm..

From the movie?

Yes. yes! The movie of Sandra Bullock from the year 2000; which I just watched a few minutes before.

But I want to get to know more about this term, not that it bothers me but someone associated these words with me; he said I am Ms. Congeniality.

It sounded nice to my ears but I don’t really know what that means. (Really, I know how to write and speak english but there are still a lot of words that I don’t use and don’t get to meet everyday.). So, I researched. And this is what ‘congeniality’ means according to google: They are warm, friendly, and probably well-suited to serve on welcoming committees. The noun congeniality is closely related to the word geniality, which means“friendliness.” Congeniality can be defined the same way, but the Latin prefix con, or “with,” adds a sense of connection to other people.

It is indeed a nice word to associate with me, I want to use ‘describe’ instead of ‘associate’ but google said it is a noun.

When I heard somebody called me ‘Ms. congeniality’, I was flattered, I laughed at it in a nice way and shrug it off. Because, i don’t really know the meaning of the word but it sounds flattering so I look for its proper meaning and came to think about it; if the title is really suitable for me. I don’t mean it to sound like an award or something but I want to think of it as a compliment which it is.

But how did they come up with me being ‘Ms. Congeniality’.

Here’s my story..

*winks, taglish na to.*

______________________

It was one fine evening after school. We were about to go home; me and my friends. I was with my chebangs; as we call each other.I am happy that night. That was one of my most baliw nights. Siguro excited na excited akong umuwi noon at hindi ako masyadong stressed kaya light lang yung mood ko, walang pressure, walang iniintindi masyado, ganon. Masaya silang kasama, lalo pa, sila yung mga kasabay ko pauwi kase iisa kami ng byahe, mapa-bus man o jeep.

Sa program kase namin; Architecture. Hay, mapapa-‘Jusko’ at ‘Oh my gad’ na lang kami sa hirap. Yung sa mga pages na secret files ganon, marami-rami na ding nagcoconfess sa hirap ng kursong tinahak namin pero yung marami, nagtataas lang ng kilay at napapacross pa ng arms sa mga ‘yon kasi daw pantay-pantay lang naman daw kasi yung hirap ng lahat ng programs. Wala naman kaming pinaglalaban talaga at hindi rin naman ako yung nagsubmit nung confession pero tama naman nga ‘diba. Lahat kase ng kurso, mahirap, walang mas lamang. Pero hindi talaga. Mahirap talaga Architecture, pero alam ko naman na ginusto namin to. (HAHA).Pero natapos kami! We are fresh Graduates! Magdiwang!

Okay, balik tayo sa kwento.

I was in 4th year college, I can’t remember the time of year; maybe around the 2nd semester of it yun.

Ayun nga, magkakasabay kami sa terminal, pauwi na. Rush hour na noon. Marami nang tao sa terminal, agawan na ng jeep. Pakiramdaman kung aling jeep na yung susunod sa pila. Hindi kase sinasabe nung mga barker kung ano yung susunod na babyahe hangga’t hindi pa puno yung jeep na nagsasakay kase baka mauna pang makaalis yung mga nahuli sa pila. Kaya yung mga pasahero, estudyante at empleyado, sabay sabay na sa pagsakay at paghintay ng masasakyan.

Ipapakilala ko pala sa inyo yung mga kaibigan ko na kasama ko. Itago na lang natin sila sa mga pangalang Lanz, Doty at Agia. Hindi ko na sila idedescribe pero matatangkad sila, siguro si Lanz, 5’10, si Gia at Doty, 5’7 at ako… 5’2. kasinglaki lang ako ng mga magiging batang anak nila. Pero okay lang. haha! (Pagbigyan niyo na yung tawa ko.)

So ayun, habang naghihintay kaming makasakay, nakasabay namin yung kuya ni Lanz. Si Lanz, remember? yung 5’10. Nakasakay din namin sya sa jeep, nakaupo siya sa may bandang unahan, sa may likod ng driver, kami naman, nasa may bungad lang. So ayan, sa una pa lang, medyo maingay na ata kami non, kwentuhan, tawanan, chill lang. Pero hindi naman yung ingay na tipong annoying tapos makikita mo na lang yung mga kasakay mo na nagsisitirik na yung mata sa kaka-irap. Hindi e. May mga nakasabay din kami na mga schoolmates and ka-program. Mga lower years that time. Kakilala ko naman sila pero hindi namin masyadong ka-close, yung mga tipong; ( Hi, I know you and your course, ngingitian kita type).

Pero while we were on the way home, talagang dire-diretso yung tawanan namin, and honestly, ako yung namamangka. Ang daldal ko/namin sa loob ng 30 minutes kong byahe. sila, mga 45 minutes. Mas malayo sila. Medyo napapalakas na yung tawanan kasi nga ang havey nung mga topics namin. Benta. Pati yung mga katabi namin, natatawa na. Tapos kase halos lahat ka-ngitian ko naman sa jeep so, good vibes. 

Hindi ko matandaan kung nilibre ba kami ng kuya ni Lanz e, pero nung pababa na ako nung jeep, naaalala ko lang na nag-‘bye’ ako sa kanya.

Sinabi na lang sa akin ni Lanz na ‘Ms. Congeniality’ yung tawag sa akin ng kuya niya. Kase daw parang lahat ng nasa jeep na yon, kakilala ko. Majority lang siguro pero hindi lahat.

So yun na yung history nyan.

___________________________

Then there is this one story.

Hindi ko alam kung may kinalaman pa to sa pagiging ‘Ms. congeniality’ ko pero ikukwento ko na din. Kasi ayokong makalimutan ‘tong mga ganitong memories. Para kaseng ang bilis ng panahon. Today, fresh graduate ako, then in the next months to come, hindi na ko fresh. I mean, ang bilis, tomorrow I might have my first stable job and then i get to have all my firsts as an adult, may it be a possession or another memory but still, the point is, mabilis. Right now is already the tomorrow I was saying yesterday, because it’s already 1:15 AM.

Here goes the story..

Back in my college days na hindi pa naman masyadong lumilipas..

Around the time na 3rd year to 5th year, tamad na akong magpapasok. Yung schedule kasi sa university na pinapasukan ko, madalas matapat sa amin yung pangit na sched. Well, pangit kasi talaga yung sched, hindi lang sa amin. Nandiyan yung long hours ng vacant. Na if you will compress, half day lang sana everyday. Pero hindi, sometimes we encounter 7 hours of vacant time. Tapos in that day, isa or dalawa or tatlong subjects lang, but hell, was 7 hours apart.Mga ganon. Pero I don’t regret and hindi ko naman sinusumbat yon, tanggap namin yon, because we built bonds and friendships in those vacant hours. Pero pag may architectural plates, at wala namang quizzes or important things to do or to catch on that day, di na ako pumapasok. Nasasayangan kasi ako sa oras, real talk na naten ito. Plus, my mother gave me my allowance for the whole month, bina-budget ko na lang so kapag may mga araw na walang pasok at hindi ako pumapasok, akin pa rin yung allowance *victory smile*.

Pero there is this instructor of ours, na turned out to be a nice instructor and mentor na rin somehow for me. Hindi na ako magne-name drop. Pero he was our instructor since 2nd year.

I am good at his subjects, nageexcel naman ako sa mga yon kase I have a good memory. Yes, kabisote din ako, e nagkakataon na puro kabisahin yung mga subjects na tinuturo niya. So nagkakasundo na din kami. Yung so-called-humor ko, bumebenta din sa kanya. Pati sa klase niya, sa mga kaklase ko.

Naaalala ko there was a time na na-late ako kasi 7 am yung klase niya, first subject namin. Mabagal kasi ako kumilos sa umaga. Tatawad pa ko ng mga 15-20 minutes sa alarm bago ako bumangon tapos mabagal pa yung jeep na masasakyan ko. So ayun, late. Nagdidiscuss siya when from the back of the room, pumasok ako tapos umupo ako sa unahan, nahawi yung mga monoblock chairs kase nakakalat, pero wala akong ibang maupuan. Kundi sa harapan, sa gitna. Ayun, that was one moment. Nadistract ang lahat. There was a moment of silence. Pero natawa na lang lahat nung sinabi ni sir na nadistract sya dahil nahawi lahat ng chairs.

Then there was the highlight of this story.

4th year college, around mga 2nd semester. Absent ako non, siguro those were one of the days na tinamad ako kase mahaba na naman yung vacant or, sya lang yung subject na papasukan ko so I chose to stay at home. Hinahanap niya ako kase tahimik daw. Sinabi lang nila chebang. And yes, parang somehow gusto ko na din isipin na minsan kase, nagiging life of the party ako, or subject rather. Or in anyway na, naipapakita ko lang. I don’t want this to sound arrogant or boastful pero gusto ko lang tong maikwento.

Then there was this day na pumasok ako, pero hindi siya yung instructor namin. Nasa may faculty yung klase namin, wala pa yung talagang instructor so nagmeryenda break muna kami. Kulitan ulit within the room, nakapalibot yung mga kaibigan ko malapit sa akin, nakapalibot kami sa isa’t isa. Bumili ako ng Choc-O non, may kaklase akong matakaw, itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang Noel. Nakiinom sya, sa straw ko. Pinainom ko naman. Tapos dun na nagsimula yung joke ko. Yung pag ininuman ko din yon, para na din kaming nag-kiss. Yung mga ganong biruan. Tapos dire-diretso na. Tawa lang kami ng tawa. Tapos lumabas si sir; sabi niya lang sa amin;”Talagang pag nandito si Ms. Palad, ramdam na ramdam niyo ano.”

Hay nako, hindi ko malilimutan how my heart fluttered at the sound of those words like from that moment, alam ko na kahit papaano, may value ako. Huwag sanang mawawala sa akin ‘yon. I want to continue bringing smiles to people.

I firmly believe na, you can become funny without being mean. And that’s what I always want to prove.

If that’s what it means being a ‘Ms. Congeniality’, papanindigan ko to, kahit title in the air lang yan. Or kahit wala yan, if I can bring even the littlest difference in this world or to other people through my warmth and the smiles I can give them, then Lord please be my guide.

 

 

Some Things About Me

I like the sound of the grasses as the wind blows on them.

I grew up in a family of farmers.

The fields and the mango trees were my first playground.

I like the smell of the trees and the leaves in the cold morning.

I like twilight and morning.

I am not a morning person but I’d love to be.

I love breakfast foods.

I like warm lights.

I love books, and interior design magazines.

I love classic movies, magics, fantasy, romantic comedies, and Disney.

I hate horror movies. If you see me watch one, you’ll know why.

I don’t drink soft drinks.

I don’t drink coffee, only when needed, I palpitate easily.

I love milk, creams and sugar.

I love travelling and adventure.

I cry when I feel compassion.

I love denim jeans, the faded blue ones.

I love pasta.

I love bread.

I hate veggies.

I love fruits.

God, I love dogs! I currently have 9 of them.

I like brown leather.

My favorite color is blue.

I love words, spoken and written.

I am a choir member, and yes I sing.

I never had a boyfriend since i was 16.

I had two boyfriends but I can’t say I’ve known and felt love for them because we were just kids.

I’ve never known a real kiss, I haven’t tried.

I am now 21.

I am not a loser. (laughs)

I used to play guitar. Used to.. and majority of my friends forgot that i can and maybe I’ve already forgotten too.

I paint, I do portraits but not so much because I only do artworks when I’m inspired to do so.

I’m quite good at math.

My memory’s sharp, I can even remember things when I was a year old. But I am not sure now, because of the many abuse I’ve done with my body.

I’m good at writing, occasionally.

I have bad temper, and worst mood swings.

I’ve never tasted sushi and kimchi.

I never rode an airplane or ferry-boat yet.

I never got a chance to let someone know these things about me.

Kindness Matters

I was scrolling at the comments on facebook, about a girl claiming that she’s ugly and a woman commented that she’s not. All of those that she said was purely kindness and truth. She commented that the girl’s face is symmetrical and she’s pretty.

The woman also shared that her parents used to tell her those and sees herself ugly too when she was young. But when she browsed at her young pictures she realized she was indeed beautiful and she should’ve appreciated herself more. She advised her to do her hair, moisturize her face and walk tall. And darling, It’s not about the looks, it’s more about the attitude.

These kindness must be shown more in social media..

__________________________________________

From there, I remembered one time when I was inside the cathedral. I was so tired from school. I was so sleep deprived because the plates (architectural plates) were exhausting the hell out of me. I was in fourth year college. It was the day of submission and at the end of the day, all I wanted to do was to relax and thank God and pray for more survival. So I attended the last mass.

Through the last part of the mass, I felt like already fainting. I cannot hear anymore, my eyesight was dimming, everything was turning into black and all I did was to sit and as i’m losing my consciousness, I asked for help to one of the usherettes I think. An old woman helped me and gave me water to drink but I cannot see her. I cannot see her face clearly. But i saw that three women were helping me and trying to bring me back to life. The old woman I asked for help, told me her name but I forgot because of the many things going on in my mind that time I guess. And I don’t have eyeglasses so I can’t really remember their faces. But till now, the kindness I still remember. The hands on my shoulder, their hands trying to remove the numbness in my hands. Their hands, massaging my head to regain my consciousness. I still thank them and may God bless them.

Kindness matters, for me, for anyone. I hope everyone does this to anyone in need. Because people might forget faces but not kindness.

Purity. Charity. Humility. Faith.

Those four words are the dearest to my heart and soul.

There’s so much sufferings behind those. In which I would want to endure for the next years of my life.

I saw these words once again in a special someone’s profile. There’s so much happiness seeing it there. It’s such a relief knowing that there are people who believe in those too.

My perspective in life is slowly changing. And I hope for the best.For me, nothing else really matters here on earth but the four words.Purity, charity, humility and faith. The money, education, beauty and other worldly sorts do not sound appealing anymore. Although, I dream of it and I plan for it all for the next years of my life because I want to pay back the sacrifices of my loved ones.
Yes I have plans. But i don’t really care so much. I know that God will take me to anywhere I am meant to be. He is my compass. I do want Him to navigate my life so I will continue to live fearlessly.

But I hope that he take me to that person who reminded me of those four words.