To All the Young Women,

Dearest ladies and gentlemen (if there are guys reading this),

I just want to share something to you.

A moral, a love advice or whatever you call this. This is a personal thing for me but I am happy to share this.

I am just 21 years old. I cannot say that I have experienced a lot in relationships because I am the type of person that does not go into easy relationships, I mean, I don’t easily enter the romance thing with another individual unless I know that I unconditionally love and I am ready to seriously commit to that person.Right now, I haven’t felt it yet but I know that maybe someday, I will.

For me, too much heartaches are not requirements for us to grow and learn. Too much is never gonna do us any good.The right amount of pain can teach us things we need to remember; that is the reason why we have powerful minds to guide us along our journey.

Life is about choices. Our one choice leads to another (Nicholas Sparks, The Choice). We need our God-given minds to help us with our everyday decisions; in deciding what to wear, where and what to eat, if you are going to wash your hair or not and so many more; and it is always there. The mind never leaves the body, but when we love; we somehow lost it.

I am amazed at how falling in love can make you feel new. It’s wonderful when you get to lay your eyes on someone and suddenly, it gives you a rush of energy that you never thought you had. But in so many ways can tear you apart.

You know the feeling of the butterflies in your stomach? It’s clichè, right? How about the cold of your hands whenever you see him or her, the nervousness you feel when he or she’s around? My legs literally gets weak whenever i get the feeling that he’s around.The stutters when you talk? The changes in your voice or the different good way of treatment you have for him. Oh my. This is the phase of your life where you get insanely high? Without of course taking any weeds or booze or drugs. And yes, slowly I was falling in love, and fell into the thoughts of incorporating him in my future.

I don’t have many past relationships because things are not easy for me.I have lots of reasons, One is: I have high standards; the guy should be taller than me, pleasant looking and most importantly: God-fearing. I am one of the hundred thousand girls who would like to have God as the center of my relationships, whether in family, friendships and love. And Girls, you should never lower your STANDARDS just to have a love life. You will never be truly happy if you will only settle for that guy you just saw and met somewhere because it’s been a long while being single. Second: I was taking Architecture Program. I think it’s so hard to commit to something while I was studying an extraordinary course and I am not exaggerating. If I had a boyfriend maybe, he could not take me. The way I looked and smelled those days when I did my plates. I would not have time for him I’m sure of it because even I, had hardly any spared time for myself.Third: I commit to the choir, and that’s enough for me. It fulfilled me from the inside out. And that’s what complicates my life, My time is enough for me and my passion and that’s how hard it is for me to find someone I can share my life with.B eing with me alone, is not easy. 

Okay, so in my five years in college, I never had a boyfriend. I had two, in high school before but I think I can never count that in the serious category because being 15 slash 16 is entirely different now. But I must admit that I tried. Not once, not twice but quite a few times. In every guy, there’s an entirely different story. There’s this one guy I met at a bar; which is by the way a bi and gay. Alright, he tried courting me and I don’t have a problem with his sexual orientation as long as he proves me that he only wants me and no one else but it turned out that he was the one having problems with his own sexual orientation and I’m out. Then there’s this other boy in a networking company who happened to set his eyes on me but I found out that it was purely driven by lust. Oh. my. God. But I am not that type of girl. I don’t know what he saw, I am skinny and petite. I don’t really think there’s something to lust about me but my simplicity and besides, I also found out that he has a girlfriend and he is trying to make me his number two. Guys, really? I don’t even in the slightest bit deserve that so come on. I’m again, out in a second.Because girls, remember that true love is kind. And you will never ever deserve someone who offers you crappy feelings and lust. You. Deserve. More. Than. That. You deserve real love because Jesus died for you.

And lastly, there is this ‘friend’ who made me fall for him without the intention of catching me and my feelings and I ended up broken hearted. This one’s a hopeless case of a girl who fell inlove with pa-fall guys. In this story, I was the one to put the friendship at risk because I was the one who fell first. I actually thought we were mutual at first but that’s just what I thought. I confessed my feelings for him through a corny love letter. A love letter. Why didn’t I confess in person? It was because he has a hearing impairment which will make things harder for me and for him. Besides, I am really good at writing my feelings than saying it. But he turned me down, not once but twice. I was in fourth year college that time and it almost ruined me. I am good at things when I was in college but somehow, I shattered when he first turned me down. I lost my confidence somehow and I am having a hard time focusing on my major subject and I almost failed. Almost. Failed. I realized he was toxic for me and I needed almost a year to completely get over him because he was a friend. But I never get to save the friendship and I don’t really care. In this story, there was a moral. I realized a lot of things. I was blinded by my feelings and no matter how smart I think I was, it becomes useless when you let the feelings dominate you. You cannot force someone to like you back. There’s always a reason for unrequited love and you have to get out of it as soon as possible. If you stay in this kind of love, it is not love anymore, it’s worship.

Ask yourself this: Why would you want someone who never wants you? Is there any good in that?  

Guys and girls, take note of this: Love is patient. Be patient to wait for someone who deserves someone like you and the one you deserve. He or she is there. Trust these words, the one for you is just there; somewhere. Waiting for God’s right time. There’s a reason why these guys are never for me. And in those stupid days that I am into them, I may not realize why I can’t make things work out. But now I knew why.

I can’t work things out. You cannot force to work things out. If it doesn’t; then it probably won’t. This might be clichè also but in times you get hurt and blinded, do this: Breathe. Let go and let God. He has reasons. You might not know it yet but you will. Have that kind of faith.


If you are as young as me, don’t rush on having a love life. That’s unnecessary. That’s not important. You can live on your own for God’s sake. Love your family and yourself more. That’s easy as 1,2,3 if you believe God has something in store for you. Focus on living life more than dwelling in the aches. Do good things for yourself, because you deserve to give yourself the love you want from other people. You yourself can give it to yourself.

Have a great day ahead!

I think i just wanna be a friend, the ‘just-always-a-friend’ as what I am now.

I think I want to stay that way because it’s waaaay safer and comforting.

To not think about the ‘what if’s’, ‘what is’, ‘how’, ‘when’and the most frustrating ‘why’s’.

To sleep at night without worrying about him, about us, and what’s best for us.

To wake up in the morning without that hopes of unexpected good morning messages from a person.

I just want to worry about me, and what’s best for me.

It’s painful to be in a situation where you expect more and can’t be given more.

Ms. Congeniality

I heard this term, it sounds familiar to me.

Ms. Congeniality..

Let’s see why.

Hmm..

From the movie?

Yes. yes! The movie of Sandra Bullock from the year 2000; which I just watched a few minutes before.

But I want to get to know more about this term, not that it bothers me but someone associated these words with me; he said I am Ms. Congeniality.

It sounded nice to my ears but I don’t really know what that means. (Really, I know how to write and speak english but there are still a lot of words that I don’t use and don’t get to meet everyday.). So, I researched. And this is what ‘congeniality’ means according to google: They are warm, friendly, and probably well-suited to serve on welcoming committees. The noun congeniality is closely related to the word geniality, which means“friendliness.” Congeniality can be defined the same way, but the Latin prefix con, or “with,” adds a sense of connection to other people.

It is indeed a nice word to associate with me, I want to use ‘describe’ instead of ‘associate’ but google said it is a noun.

When I heard somebody called me ‘Ms. congeniality’, I was flattered, I laughed at it in a nice way and shrug it off. Because, i don’t really know the meaning of the word but it sounds flattering so I look for its proper meaning and came to think about it; if the title is really suitable for me. I don’t mean it to sound like an award or something but I want to think of it as a compliment which it is.

But how did they come up with me being ‘Ms. Congeniality’.

Here’s my story..

*winks, taglish na to.*

______________________

It was one fine evening after school. We were about to go home; me and my friends. I was with my chebangs; as we call each other.I am happy that night. That was one of my most baliw nights. Siguro excited na excited akong umuwi noon at hindi ako masyadong stressed kaya light lang yung mood ko, walang pressure, walang iniintindi masyado, ganon. Masaya silang kasama, lalo pa, sila yung mga kasabay ko pauwi kase iisa kami ng byahe, mapa-bus man o jeep.

Sa program kase namin; Architecture. Hay, mapapa-‘Jusko’ at ‘Oh my gad’ na lang kami sa hirap. Yung sa mga pages na secret files ganon, marami-rami na ding nagcoconfess sa hirap ng kursong tinahak namin pero yung marami, nagtataas lang ng kilay at napapacross pa ng arms sa mga ‘yon kasi daw pantay-pantay lang naman daw kasi yung hirap ng lahat ng programs. Wala naman kaming pinaglalaban talaga at hindi rin naman ako yung nagsubmit nung confession pero tama naman nga ‘diba. Lahat kase ng kurso, mahirap, walang mas lamang. Pero hindi talaga. Mahirap talaga Architecture, pero alam ko naman na ginusto namin to. (HAHA).Pero natapos kami! We are fresh Graduates! Magdiwang!

Okay, balik tayo sa kwento.

I was in 4th year college, I can’t remember the time of year; maybe around the 2nd semester of it yun.

Ayun nga, magkakasabay kami sa terminal, pauwi na. Rush hour na noon. Marami nang tao sa terminal, agawan na ng jeep. Pakiramdaman kung aling jeep na yung susunod sa pila. Hindi kase sinasabe nung mga barker kung ano yung susunod na babyahe hangga’t hindi pa puno yung jeep na nagsasakay kase baka mauna pang makaalis yung mga nahuli sa pila. Kaya yung mga pasahero, estudyante at empleyado, sabay sabay na sa pagsakay at paghintay ng masasakyan.

Ipapakilala ko pala sa inyo yung mga kaibigan ko na kasama ko. Itago na lang natin sila sa mga pangalang Lanz, Doty at Agia. Hindi ko na sila idedescribe pero matatangkad sila, siguro si Lanz, 5’10, si Gia at Doty, 5’7 at ako… 5’2. kasinglaki lang ako ng mga magiging batang anak nila. Pero okay lang. haha! (Pagbigyan niyo na yung tawa ko.)

So ayun, habang naghihintay kaming makasakay, nakasabay namin yung kuya ni Lanz. Si Lanz, remember? yung 5’10. Nakasakay din namin sya sa jeep, nakaupo siya sa may bandang unahan, sa may likod ng driver, kami naman, nasa may bungad lang. So ayan, sa una pa lang, medyo maingay na ata kami non, kwentuhan, tawanan, chill lang. Pero hindi naman yung ingay na tipong annoying tapos makikita mo na lang yung mga kasakay mo na nagsisitirik na yung mata sa kaka-irap. Hindi e. May mga nakasabay din kami na mga schoolmates and ka-program. Mga lower years that time. Kakilala ko naman sila pero hindi namin masyadong ka-close, yung mga tipong; ( Hi, I know you and your course, ngingitian kita type).

Pero while we were on the way home, talagang dire-diretso yung tawanan namin, and honestly, ako yung namamangka. Ang daldal ko/namin sa loob ng 30 minutes kong byahe. sila, mga 45 minutes. Mas malayo sila. Medyo napapalakas na yung tawanan kasi nga ang havey nung mga topics namin. Benta. Pati yung mga katabi namin, natatawa na. Tapos kase halos lahat ka-ngitian ko naman sa jeep so, good vibes. 

Hindi ko matandaan kung nilibre ba kami ng kuya ni Lanz e, pero nung pababa na ako nung jeep, naaalala ko lang na nag-‘bye’ ako sa kanya.

Sinabi na lang sa akin ni Lanz na ‘Ms. Congeniality’ yung tawag sa akin ng kuya niya. Kase daw parang lahat ng nasa jeep na yon, kakilala ko. Majority lang siguro pero hindi lahat.

So yun na yung history nyan.

___________________________

Then there is this one story.

Hindi ko alam kung may kinalaman pa to sa pagiging ‘Ms. congeniality’ ko pero ikukwento ko na din. Kasi ayokong makalimutan ‘tong mga ganitong memories. Para kaseng ang bilis ng panahon. Today, fresh graduate ako, then in the next months to come, hindi na ko fresh. I mean, ang bilis, tomorrow I might have my first stable job and then i get to have all my firsts as an adult, may it be a possession or another memory but still, the point is, mabilis. Right now is already the tomorrow I was saying yesterday, because it’s already 1:15 AM.

Here goes the story..

Back in my college days na hindi pa naman masyadong lumilipas..

Around the time na 3rd year to 5th year, tamad na akong magpapasok. Yung schedule kasi sa university na pinapasukan ko, madalas matapat sa amin yung pangit na sched. Well, pangit kasi talaga yung sched, hindi lang sa amin. Nandiyan yung long hours ng vacant. Na if you will compress, half day lang sana everyday. Pero hindi, sometimes we encounter 7 hours of vacant time. Tapos in that day, isa or dalawa or tatlong subjects lang, but hell, was 7 hours apart.Mga ganon. Pero I don’t regret and hindi ko naman sinusumbat yon, tanggap namin yon, because we built bonds and friendships in those vacant hours. Pero pag may architectural plates, at wala namang quizzes or important things to do or to catch on that day, di na ako pumapasok. Nasasayangan kasi ako sa oras, real talk na naten ito. Plus, my mother gave me my allowance for the whole month, bina-budget ko na lang so kapag may mga araw na walang pasok at hindi ako pumapasok, akin pa rin yung allowance *victory smile*.

Pero there is this instructor of ours, na turned out to be a nice instructor and mentor na rin somehow for me. Hindi na ako magne-name drop. Pero he was our instructor since 2nd year.

I am good at his subjects, nageexcel naman ako sa mga yon kase I have a good memory. Yes, kabisote din ako, e nagkakataon na puro kabisahin yung mga subjects na tinuturo niya. So nagkakasundo na din kami. Yung so-called-humor ko, bumebenta din sa kanya. Pati sa klase niya, sa mga kaklase ko.

Naaalala ko there was a time na na-late ako kasi 7 am yung klase niya, first subject namin. Mabagal kasi ako kumilos sa umaga. Tatawad pa ko ng mga 15-20 minutes sa alarm bago ako bumangon tapos mabagal pa yung jeep na masasakyan ko. So ayun, late. Nagdidiscuss siya when from the back of the room, pumasok ako tapos umupo ako sa unahan, nahawi yung mga monoblock chairs kase nakakalat, pero wala akong ibang maupuan. Kundi sa harapan, sa gitna. Ayun, that was one moment. Nadistract ang lahat. There was a moment of silence. Pero natawa na lang lahat nung sinabi ni sir na nadistract sya dahil nahawi lahat ng chairs.

Then there was the highlight of this story.

4th year college, around mga 2nd semester. Absent ako non, siguro those were one of the days na tinamad ako kase mahaba na naman yung vacant or, sya lang yung subject na papasukan ko so I chose to stay at home. Hinahanap niya ako kase tahimik daw. Sinabi lang nila chebang. And yes, parang somehow gusto ko na din isipin na minsan kase, nagiging life of the party ako, or subject rather. Or in anyway na, naipapakita ko lang. I don’t want this to sound arrogant or boastful pero gusto ko lang tong maikwento.

Then there was this day na pumasok ako, pero hindi siya yung instructor namin. Nasa may faculty yung klase namin, wala pa yung talagang instructor so nagmeryenda break muna kami. Kulitan ulit within the room, nakapalibot yung mga kaibigan ko malapit sa akin, nakapalibot kami sa isa’t isa. Bumili ako ng Choc-O non, may kaklase akong matakaw, itago na lang natin siya sa pangalang Noel. Nakiinom sya, sa straw ko. Pinainom ko naman. Tapos dun na nagsimula yung joke ko. Yung pag ininuman ko din yon, para na din kaming nag-kiss. Yung mga ganong biruan. Tapos dire-diretso na. Tawa lang kami ng tawa. Tapos lumabas si sir; sabi niya lang sa amin;”Talagang pag nandito si Ms. Palad, ramdam na ramdam niyo ano.”

Hay nako, hindi ko malilimutan how my heart fluttered at the sound of those words like from that moment, alam ko na kahit papaano, may value ako. Huwag sanang mawawala sa akin ‘yon. I want to continue bringing smiles to people.

I firmly believe na, you can become funny without being mean. And that’s what I always want to prove.

If that’s what it means being a ‘Ms. Congeniality’, papanindigan ko to, kahit title in the air lang yan. Or kahit wala yan, if I can bring even the littlest difference in this world or to other people through my warmth and the smiles I can give them, then Lord please be my guide.

 

 

Some Things About Me

I like the sound of the grasses as the wind blows on them.

I grew up in a family of farmers.

The fields and the mango trees were my first playground.

I like the smell of the trees and the leaves in the cold morning.

I like twilight and morning.

I am not a morning person but I’d love to be.

I love breakfast foods.

I like warm lights.

I love books, and interior design magazines.

I love classic movies, magics, fantasy, romantic comedies, and Disney.

I hate horror movies. If you see me watch one, you’ll know why.

I don’t drink soft drinks.

I don’t drink coffee, only when needed, I palpitate easily.

I love milk, creams and sugar.

I love travelling and adventure.

I cry when I feel compassion.

I love denim jeans, the faded blue ones.

I love pasta.

I love bread.

I hate veggies.

I love fruits.

God, I love dogs! I currently have 9 of them.

I like brown leather.

My favorite color is blue.

I love words, spoken and written.

I am a choir member, and yes I sing.

I never had a boyfriend since i was 16.

I had two boyfriends but I can’t say I’ve known and felt love for them because we were just kids.

I’ve never known a real kiss, I haven’t tried.

I am now 21.

I am not a loser. (laughs)

I used to play guitar. Used to.. and majority of my friends forgot that i can and maybe I’ve already forgotten too.

I paint, I do portraits but not so much because I only do artworks when I’m inspired to do so.

I’m quite good at math.

My memory’s sharp, I can even remember things when I was a year old. But I am not sure now, because of the many abuse I’ve done with my body.

I’m good at writing, occasionally.

I have bad temper, and worst mood swings.

I’ve never tasted sushi and kimchi.

I never rode an airplane or ferry-boat yet.

I never got a chance to let someone know these things about me.

4:46 A.M.

July 18, 2016

It’s raining.

And I am blogging.

There’s a certain positive feeling about today. I don’t know what is but i am happy about it.

I guess my old self is back. She took some vacation because she’s getting bored so she asked the other me to take over my body and made me try to do things out of the ordinary.

The feeling was the same as losing one’s self. I was used to be on my own and out of the blue, someone knocked on my door and tried to show me how it feels to have somebody to love. And it was definitely more fun! But circumstances did not allow me to have that experience for as long as I want it. It was so fast. I had to go back to being on my own in everything and I was not ready.

Maybe I felt lost somehow, but you know, it is always our option to go back or find our way back.

I hope I can finally get over what it was, and move forward for life never cease over these little moments.

It’s almost 5 in the morning and as almost usual, I’m still up.

_________________________________________________

I’m thinking about my two close friends now.

Those are two girls that are worth finding. They are extremely beautiful without them knowing. They choose not to know. They were amazing , talented, and wise, again, without them bragging. I am not lying about them. They are tall, they can use it to their advantage and  maybe try modelling or pageants but no, they choose not to, maybe for now. But I hope they try. Sayang, they already have what it takes, the beauty and the brains and of course, their hearts.

We always have the kind of conversations na hahanap-hanapin mo. Yung deep but chill na conversations about life, love, what we’re currently up to, worries, fears, likes, dislikes, prayers, hopes and dreams, future boyfriends and all other  additional humours na talaga namang natural lang na masalit sa mga little chikahan. Because we all have gift of humour. Kapag nagtatawanan kami, ang lakas lakas, parang wala nang bukas, kase nakakatawa talaga kapag biruan part.

I remember our conversation under the university tree one summer afternoon. Sobrang sarap balikan non. (This is worth another blog post) So saka ko na lang ikukwento yon.

They both pray for love life. Because they long for it. Matagal na. Kahit magaganda sila, hindi sila ligawin because they themselves, alam nila how to keep their calm pagdating sa ganyang usapan. Hindi kami nagmamadali but we want to experience the feeling of having someone. Lalo sila. They pray for it and I pray na ibigay na sana ni Lord sa kanila. They deserve someone na magmamahal sa kanila the way they want to. Swerte din naman the guys na mamahalin nila.

They pray for mine also. But I don’t know if I need him right now. I’m okay with how I am now. Hindi pa ko ready, alam ko. Pero sila, gusto na nila.

The Lord hears and knows what our hearts desire so I know, the time will come. God will hear it girls. Alam niyo naman yon.

 

Will This Be My Last Post About Him?

July 16, 2016

It’s like I’m slowly falling in love with the ideas of him..of missing him.

To tell the truth, there is no day that I haven’t thought about him. I am wondering every single day if he’s okay, what is his new plan. I want to badly know how’s his day been, if he started his diet and exercise; what time did he go to bed, what movies did he watch. I don’t know. I sound stupid right now. Because since the day he came into my life, I never stopped thinking about him. I somehow always wanted to go back to the start; that night.

We haven’t talked for a while now. It was like abandoning a house full of promising furnitures and lightings, the feeling. Like suddenly walking away from him, from each other with the hopes that one of us will cry out ‘stop!’ to stop the both of us from walking another foot away.

But no one’s crying out ‘stop!’. I guess we both have reasons; different reasons.

I might never stop him from walking away, because it doesn’t feel right. Even though there are days that my text message is just a click away. A message containing the words ‘i miss you’ and it’s not just an ordinary expression, because I mean it. There are days that I really wanted him to know that. But I can’t.

If this is a game of love, the ball is not on my court, it is in his.

Maybe some people will say; ‘I think you have to fight for him if you feel like falling in love with him.’ Sounds uhmm.. heroic, isn’t it? To fight and fight in the name of love. But I won’t. Simply because I have the instinct that I will not win whatever I do. It isn’t worth the leap if I know that I’m gonna jump at nothing.

Because sometimes, you have to get tired of risking to know if the person is worth risking.

I am not so sure if I am falling in love with him or just the idea of him. Those were two different matters. Maybe just because I realized that loving another person is happier than just being alone.

But you know what I realized?

I realized that God has always His own reasons why two people have to take different roads instead of just one. We might bump each other again along the way, only to find out that we still need time to grow apart. We might talk again, we might not. But whatever it is; God has reasons. I might not know those reasons again but I trust in it. Because that’s faith and I want to believe that I have it in me. (insert my wink)