There are these times when I feel so heavy, and all I wanted to do is cry.
In this world, where there are so many people, all being unique and different in their own ways, we cannot please everyone. I cannot make all the people understand me or even agree in my opinions and feelings. I cannot make all of them believe in my beliefs nor trust in my ideas or instincts.
I am very difficult to be with. My family and friends knew that.I am very hard to love and to understand. But I am not the type of person to hide all of these. In fact, I can effortlessly show how i feel toward a person. They can often read emotions on my face, and in the way i move and talk. I have a temper, I usually have the worst mood swings, ever. I am a super sensitive creation. Like I said, I am very difficult to be with. Even my mother thinks I’m tough and masungit as an old maid. ‘Tough’ may seem like a contrary word for my personality but I’m hella sensitive and tough at the same time. That maybe, is complicated to understand but yeah, that’s who I am. That’s maybe why, no one bothers to try courting me or something that can lead me to a ‘happily ever after’ (tho this is a different story,). But no matter what, I am at the very least who I am. I hate pretending, that’s the most awkward thing I can do.
But they really don’t understand…
I have to be like this. I need to be like this. I need to be tough as hell. Because I don’t have anyone to hold on to. I am the one they’re holding onto.They don’t understand that I need to be mature enough so soon, because my mother left us to work abroad to give us all we need because my father got sick. I don’t want to grow up so soon! I was 11. I have two younger sisters. They look up to me, and I am not so worth looking up to. I am not perfect. But I have to be the one to discipline them, along with myself. I had to lead them to a right path, so I must not get myself lost.
People don’t know this because this isn’t in my resume, nor in my facebook, nor instagram nor twitter. And still even if I wanted to describe how it feels to make them understand why I am like this, I just can’t. Because they CANNOT and they will not understand. They can pretend that they can, but they cannot know how that feels unless they are put in the same situation.
Telling me that there’s something not normal in me, and there is something so wrong in my personality and to change something in my attitude is the easiest part. To judge another person or thing is the easiest for humankind, isn’t it?
In the dark, on my bed at 5 o’clock in the morning I’m writing this down. I feel so heavy i wanted to cry. So heavy I fight it back but at the same fucking time I am thinking of wanting to cry so hard but there’s never a shoulder I could cry on and it’s me again, all by myself. Slowly realizing that by the time I let it all out, it’ll be hard to pull myself back together and I’ll probably cry to sleep. Hardest, ever. It’s hard to breathe when you got all the mucus blocking your nostrils and the swollen eyes when you wake up. Again, hardest ever.
By the way, I was fired and criticized in the dumbest way. But I am glad I will finally get rid of the stupidest people born in this planet. So whatever.
I just want to pray to God that His will be done. And may He forgive me as I forgive these people. And I hope everything is being settled into place.