Unrequited

Love, you feel like worlds apart already. I’m proud of you, for wanting to know yourself; for singing your heart out and for serving the Lord. Whenever I look at you, my heart skips a beat. My eyes gravitate towards you and I kept thinking ‘what a handsome man God has made, what a good heart you must have’. I talked to you yesterday and I asked how you are and I always hope you’re okay. When you tried to offer your hand when I’m about to jump from the riser, I did not grab it. But I was looking at you and for a moment; it feels like there’s only me and you. Your voice is music to my ears, whenever you laugh and talk, makes me happy without you knowing it. But yesterday, I saw a glimpse of something, a dead end. I felt like whatever we have right now which is nothing; is what we’re menat to have for the rest of our lives. It’s tearing me inside and out byt I have to accept things and try to be happy also. Just like how I felt happy when I saw a glimpse of you being my only man in this life that God has given me.

I’m back! Hoping to not leave again.

I rest for a while..

I’m going back now.

I’ll write again. Because I’ve gathered enough pains to turn into words and letters.

And while I’m still remembering my hashtags and categories, I know I’ll write again. Because I am trying to find my missing pieces. I know it’s clichè, being broken into pieces. But there’s always those times that life gives you some things that make you think you shattered inside; those things and moments are part of life.

It is up to you how to turn it into weapons for after those moments, life might give you something stronger. You might need a weapon. 

To All the Young Women,

Dearest ladies and gentlemen (if there are guys reading this),

I just want to share something to you.

A moral, a love advice or whatever you call this. This is a personal thing for me but I am happy to share this.

I am just 21 years old. I cannot say that I have experienced a lot in relationships because I am the type of person that does not go into easy relationships, I mean, I don’t easily enter the romance thing with another individual unless I know that I unconditionally love and I am ready to seriously commit to that person.Right now, I haven’t felt it yet but I know that maybe someday, I will.

For me, too much heartaches are not requirements for us to grow and learn. Too much is never gonna do us any good.The right amount of pain can teach us things we need to remember; that is the reason why we have powerful minds to guide us along our journey.

Life is about choices. Our one choice leads to another (Nicholas Sparks, The Choice). We need our God-given minds to help us with our everyday decisions; in deciding what to wear, where and what to eat, if you are going to wash your hair or not and so many more; and it is always there. The mind never leaves the body, but when we love; we somehow lost it.

I am amazed at how falling in love can make you feel new. It’s wonderful when you get to lay your eyes on someone and suddenly, it gives you a rush of energy that you never thought you had. But in so many ways can tear you apart.

You know the feeling of the butterflies in your stomach? It’s clichè, right? How about the cold of your hands whenever you see him or her, the nervousness you feel when he or she’s around? My legs literally gets weak whenever i get the feeling that he’s around.The stutters when you talk? The changes in your voice or the different good way of treatment you have for him. Oh my. This is the phase of your life where you get insanely high? Without of course taking any weeds or booze or drugs. And yes, slowly I was falling in love, and fell into the thoughts of incorporating him in my future.

I don’t have many past relationships because things are not easy for me.I have lots of reasons, One is: I have high standards; the guy should be taller than me, pleasant looking and most importantly: God-fearing. I am one of the hundred thousand girls who would like to have God as the center of my relationships, whether in family, friendships and love. And Girls, you should never lower your STANDARDS just to have a love life. You will never be truly happy if you will only settle for that guy you just saw and met somewhere because it’s been a long while being single. Second: I was taking Architecture Program. I think it’s so hard to commit to something while I was studying an extraordinary course and I am not exaggerating. If I had a boyfriend maybe, he could not take me. The way I looked and smelled those days when I did my plates. I would not have time for him I’m sure of it because even I, had hardly any spared time for myself.Third: I commit to the choir, and that’s enough for me. It fulfilled me from the inside out. And that’s what complicates my life, My time is enough for me and my passion and that’s how hard it is for me to find someone I can share my life with.B eing with me alone, is not easy. 

Okay, so in my five years in college, I never had a boyfriend. I had two, in high school before but I think I can never count that in the serious category because being 15 slash 16 is entirely different now. But I must admit that I tried. Not once, not twice but quite a few times. In every guy, there’s an entirely different story. There’s this one guy I met at a bar; which is by the way a bi and gay. Alright, he tried courting me and I don’t have a problem with his sexual orientation as long as he proves me that he only wants me and no one else but it turned out that he was the one having problems with his own sexual orientation and I’m out. Then there’s this other boy in a networking company who happened to set his eyes on me but I found out that it was purely driven by lust. Oh. my. God. But I am not that type of girl. I don’t know what he saw, I am skinny and petite. I don’t really think there’s something to lust about me but my simplicity and besides, I also found out that he has a girlfriend and he is trying to make me his number two. Guys, really? I don’t even in the slightest bit deserve that so come on. I’m again, out in a second.Because girls, remember that true love is kind. And you will never ever deserve someone who offers you crappy feelings and lust. You. Deserve. More. Than. That. You deserve real love because Jesus died for you.

And lastly, there is this ‘friend’ who made me fall for him without the intention of catching me and my feelings and I ended up broken hearted. This one’s a hopeless case of a girl who fell inlove with pa-fall guys. In this story, I was the one to put the friendship at risk because I was the one who fell first. I actually thought we were mutual at first but that’s just what I thought. I confessed my feelings for him through a corny love letter. A love letter. Why didn’t I confess in person? It was because he has a hearing impairment which will make things harder for me and for him. Besides, I am really good at writing my feelings than saying it. But he turned me down, not once but twice. I was in fourth year college that time and it almost ruined me. I am good at things when I was in college but somehow, I shattered when he first turned me down. I lost my confidence somehow and I am having a hard time focusing on my major subject and I almost failed. Almost. Failed. I realized he was toxic for me and I needed almost a year to completely get over him because he was a friend. But I never get to save the friendship and I don’t really care. In this story, there was a moral. I realized a lot of things. I was blinded by my feelings and no matter how smart I think I was, it becomes useless when you let the feelings dominate you. You cannot force someone to like you back. There’s always a reason for unrequited love and you have to get out of it as soon as possible. If you stay in this kind of love, it is not love anymore, it’s worship.

Ask yourself this: Why would you want someone who never wants you? Is there any good in that?  

Guys and girls, take note of this: Love is patient. Be patient to wait for someone who deserves someone like you and the one you deserve. He or she is there. Trust these words, the one for you is just there; somewhere. Waiting for God’s right time. There’s a reason why these guys are never for me. And in those stupid days that I am into them, I may not realize why I can’t make things work out. But now I knew why.

I can’t work things out. You cannot force to work things out. If it doesn’t; then it probably won’t. This might be clichè also but in times you get hurt and blinded, do this: Breathe. Let go and let God. He has reasons. You might not know it yet but you will. Have that kind of faith.


If you are as young as me, don’t rush on having a love life. That’s unnecessary. That’s not important. You can live on your own for God’s sake. Love your family and yourself more. That’s easy as 1,2,3 if you believe God has something in store for you. Focus on living life more than dwelling in the aches. Do good things for yourself, because you deserve to give yourself the love you want from other people. You yourself can give it to yourself.

Have a great day ahead!

Flat Broke

So yesterday went something like this.

This girl in a brown v-neck shirt and a joggerpants and blue slippers fetched her once dead laptop in a pc repair shop in the city. It’s working again. Thank God because that girl can’t afford a new one and almost can’t afford the repair price.

That’s why she needed to calm down and find some way to de-stress herself because she’s broke. She’s flat broke..she’s…

Anyway,

She bought herself foods, plural form. foods. She managed to have some extra money, thankfully.

Plus,

She took herself to a movie. To watch the last full show of ‘Imagine You and Me.’*Insert victory smile of a girl* Though, she can’t really smile the same way like before.

Although she had to queue and curse the situation silently for 45 minutes just to watch the last full show yesterday,still, it was a great movie! For two hours, she forgot she was flat broke.

After the movie, she didn’t want to go home yet. So she went to a convenience store to buy some 330 ml. alcomix

Girl: Can you open the bottle now?

Cashier: What? Where are you gonna drink this?

Girl: Outside.

Cashier:*sarcastic smile* oh, while walking?

Girl: ‘Course not, (idiot, inside her head)

and drank it in front of a fastfood resto. Crazy, indeed.

Then she walked to where she’s supposed to ride a jeepney back home.

And she went home with her heavy laptop slinged across her body.

Mga Patak ng Luha sa Ibabaw ng Unan

Nanahimik ako.

Sa buhay ko, tahimik kong hinihintay ang araw na makikilala kita.

Nagdadasal, naghihintay, nag-aabang, umaasa na sana balang araw, makilala kita.

Anong itsura mo, sino ka? Wala akong ideya.

Araw-araw na naghihintay na hindi ko ba alam na baka naghihintay lang ako sa wala.

Inaamin ko,na madalas, sumusuko ako,sa sarili ko at ayoko na umasa na dadating pa kung may nakalaan man na tao para sa akin,

Paminsan minsan, hinahayaan ko naman na umasa ako sa pagdating mo at na ipapaunawa mo sakin na ang buhay ay higit pa sa inaakala ko.

Pagkatapos ng ilang taon, nakita ko ulit na unti unting nabubuhay ang paligid ko at sa wakas binibigyan ulet ng pagkakataon na sumaya din ang sarili ko katulad ng ibang tao. Pakiramdam ko kase hindi ako karapat dapat maging masaya.

Pero eto na naman ako.

Unti unting nababasag nang hindi ko naman din gusto at iniisip na;

Kaya ko. Kahit wala ka, kaya ko. Mas gusto ko na nakikitang masaya yung mga tao sa paligid ko. Kahit hindi na ako. Dahil alam kong kaya ko.

Alam ko ang pakiramdam ng mag isa. Kahit sa buhay na ‘to, hindi ka naman talaga mag isa. Marami kang kasama, marami kang pwedeng tawagan, marami kang pwedeng dasalan, at dasalin. Madalas, nasa pagpili mo ang pagiging mag isa.

Masaya mag-isa minsan, kailangan mo naman talagang mapag isa minsan. Masaya din naman ng may kasama ka.

Nasasayo, anong tamang timpla mo?

Pero ako, hindi ko na alam kung mas masaya ba ko sa buhay na may kasamang bagong tao.

Ang buhay hindi mo matantya, madalas nakikipaglaro ang tadhana. Madalas akala mo eto na pero tangina hindi pala.

Nananahimik ka na nga, may dadating pa at papaasahin ka sa mga bagay na masaya, oo masaya, pero hindi mo naman pinapaniwalaan na para sayo talaga. Pero aasa ka, kasi minsan mas gusto mong magpakatanga at maniwala na karapat dapat ka rin ngang maging maligaya.

Sa una lang naman talaga madalas na nagiging maganda. Bakit nga ganon, ano? Sino bang may gusto na sa una lang lahat ng saya.

Pero bandang huli, kapag ang lahat ng bagay, nagawa na at nasabi, hindi pang walang katapusan ang nasasambit kundi pagsuko at pagsisisi.

Hanggang kailan? Paulit ulit kong nararanasan na maghintay at umasa sa wala.

Hanggang kailan? Kailan ako matututo na tuluyang manahimik na lang. Nakakapagod. Nakakagago. Nakakabaliw.

Ayos na ko.

Ayos na sana ako noon, buo ako, pinilit kong buuin yung sarili ko para sa taong baka kailangan ako, hanggang sa eto na naman ako  at pinaglalaruan ulet ng panahon.

Buo pa rin naman ako pero hindi ko maiwasan madurog sa t’wing madidismaya ako ng mga taong akala ko mapagkakatiwalaan ko.

Ano bang akala nila sa akin? Pinipilit kong unawain lahat ng bagay. Sinusubukan kong maging maayos at hindi gumawa ng masama kaninuman kase umaasa ako na babalik sakin to, at ibabalik nila sa iba.

Puros kabutihan. Pero hindi ganon ang buhay.

Kasamaan ang nagpapabalanse sa ibang mga bagay.

Sa mga oras na to, nakakapanlambot. Na ganito na naman ang mga sinusulat ko. Baka ito na ang hudyat na itigil ko na, ang pagsusulat sa’yo na wala din namang kasiguraduhan at walang kapatutunguhan.

Ang panlasa ko, singpait ng ampalaya, singtapang ng kapeng barako, nagbabalik na naman ako. ayoko na.

Ayoko na..

Sabe nila, sukuan mo na ang ibang tao huwag lang ang sarili mo, pero paano? Sabihin mo sa akin paano?

Mas madalas na ako ang hindi sumusuko sa tao at sila ang sumusuko sa akin.

Paano,sabihin mo sakin paano?

Mas madalas na ako ang pumipili ngunit hindi ako ang pinipili.

Paano nga, sabihin mo nga sakin paano?

May mga gabi na napakahirap idaos, bute na lang natatapos ang gabi. Nakakatulong ang pagsikat ng araw.

Nagpapaalala na may panibagong pag asa.

Kung aasa ka pa.

Araw araw na natutunan ko na; na ang saya hindi lang nabubuhay sa mga ngiti sa labi at halakhak na wagas.

Pero pati na rin sa mga katawan na nakatupi sa sakit at sa mga patak ng luha sa ibabaw ng aking unan sa t’wing madaling araw.

 

Where are you, my safe haven?

There are these times when I feel so heavy, and all I wanted to do is cry. 

In this world, where there are so many people, all being unique and different in their own ways, we cannot please everyone. I cannot make all the people understand me or even agree in my opinions and feelings. I cannot make all of them believe in my beliefs nor trust in my ideas or instincts.

I am very difficult to be with. My family and friends knew that.I am very hard to love and to understand. But I am not the type of person to hide all of these. In fact, I can effortlessly show how i feel toward a person. They can often read emotions on my face, and in the way i move and talk. I have a temper, I usually have the worst mood swings, ever. I am a super sensitive creation. Like I said, I am very difficult to be with. Even my mother thinks I’m tough and masungit as an old maid. ‘Tough’ may seem like a contrary word for my personality but I’m hella sensitive and tough at the same time. That maybe, is complicated to understand but yeah, that’s who I am. That’s maybe why, no one bothers to try courting me or something that can lead me to a ‘happily ever after’ (tho this is a different story,). But no matter what, I am at the very least who I am. I hate pretending, that’s the most awkward thing I can do.

But they really don’t understand…

I have to be like this. I need to be like this. I need to be tough as hell. Because I don’t have anyone to hold on to. I am the one they’re holding onto.They don’t understand that I need to be mature enough so soon, because my mother left us to work abroad to give us all we need because my father got sick. I don’t want to grow up so soon! I was 11. I have two younger sisters. They look up to me, and I am not so worth looking up to. I am not perfect. But I have to be the one to discipline them, along with myself. I had to lead them to a right path, so I must not get myself lost.

People don’t know this because this isn’t in my resume, nor in my facebook, nor instagram nor twitter. And still even if I wanted to describe how it feels to make them understand why I am like this, I just can’t. Because they CANNOT and they will not understand. They can pretend that they can, but they cannot know how that feels unless they are put in the same situation.

Telling me that there’s something not normal in me, and there is something so wrong in my personality and to change something in my attitude is the easiest part. To judge another person or thing is the easiest for humankind, isn’t it?

In the dark, on my bed at 5 o’clock in the morning I’m writing this down. I feel so heavy i wanted to cry. So heavy I fight it back but at the same fucking time I am thinking of wanting to cry so hard but there’s never a shoulder I could cry on and it’s me again, all by myself. Slowly realizing that by the time I let it all out, it’ll be hard to pull myself back together and I’ll probably cry to sleep. Hardest, ever. It’s hard to breathe when you got all the mucus blocking your nostrils and the swollen eyes when you wake up. Again, hardest ever.

By the way, I was fired and criticized in the dumbest way. But I am glad I will finally get rid of the stupidest people born in this planet. So whatever.

I just want to pray to God that His will be done. And may He forgive me as I forgive these people. And I hope everything is being settled into place.