Category: Uncategorized

Unrequited

Love, you feel like worlds apart already. I’m proud of you, for wanting to know yourself; for singing your heart out and for serving the Lord. Whenever I look at you, my heart skips a beat. My eyes gravitate towards you and I kept thinking ‘what a handsome man God has made, what a good heart you must have’. I talked to you yesterday and I asked how you are and I always hope you’re okay. When you tried to offer your hand when I’m about to jump from the riser, I did not grab it. But I was looking at you and for a moment; it feels like there’s only me and you. Your voice is music to my ears, whenever you laugh and talk, makes me happy without you knowing it. But yesterday, I saw a glimpse of something, a dead end. I felt like whatever we have right now which is nothing; is what we’re meant to have for the rest of our lives. It’s tearing me inside and out but I have to accept things and try to be happy also. Just like how I felt happy when I saw a glimpse of you being my only man in this life that God has given me.

I miss the feeling of getting to know by someone.

It feels like a long lost memory.

For today, I’m a little too much for the world. Not all people will understand.

I’m a little too peculiar for the world to see.

I’m a little too kind for the world to care.

I’m a  little too loud for the world to hear.

I’m a little too much of anything I can think of, and no one will notice.

But I’m looking forward.

I’m back! Hoping to not leave again.

I rest for a while..

I’m going back now.

I’ll write again. Because I’ve gathered enough pains to turn into words and letters.

And while I’m still remembering my hashtags and categories, I know I’ll write again. Because I am trying to find my missing pieces. I know it’s clichè, being broken into pieces. But there’s always those times that life gives you some things that make you think you shattered inside; those things and moments are part of life.

It is up to you how to turn it into weapons for after those moments, life might give you something stronger. You might need a weapon. 

​It’s been a long day. 
Nagkaroon ng concert ngayon. Celebration ng Christ the King at pagtatapos ng jubilee year of mercy. It’s all worth it. Lahat ng mga pagod sa praktis which is hindi naman talaga ramdam, nag payoff. Si Lord, dahil sa kanya lahat ng yan. 

Runaway with me, will you? Oh, and one more thing, will you stay?

It’s hard to wait. I know.

But now I also know that, I’m not anymore afraid to love. To love and be happy or be hurt. I will wait even if it takes forever. I will love a man who deserves all the love I can give.

I’ll kiss. No matter how bad I think it’s gonna be. I’ll kiss slowly, intimately and gently. Because that’s how I want to receive the first kiss.

I will hold his hand and never let it go, except when he needs to pee. But kidding aside, I will never let go of the hand I have waited for too long and still waiting for I don’t know how long.

I already cut my hair super short expecting him to come before all the hair reaches my back. But now it’s almost all over my back. I was a fool to give love my own timeline. It can never work that way. If it takes more cutting of hair before I meet him, then so be it. I just pray I will meet him at the right length of my hair.

When the day comes I meet him, I would want him to runaway with me.

I think i just wanna be a friend, the ‘just-always-a-friend’ as what I am now.

I think I want to stay that way because it’s waaaay safer and comforting.

To not think about the ‘what if’s’, ‘what is’, ‘how’, ‘when’and the most frustrating ‘why’s’.

To sleep at night without worrying about him, about us, and what’s best for us.

To wake up in the morning without that hopes of unexpected good morning messages from a person.

I just want to worry about me, and what’s best for me.

It’s painful to be in a situation where you expect more and can’t be given more.

4:46 A.M.

July 18, 2016

It’s raining.

And I am blogging.

There’s a certain positive feeling about today. I don’t know what is but i am happy about it.

I guess my old self is back. She took some vacation because she’s getting bored so she asked the other me to take over my body and made me try to do things out of the ordinary.

The feeling was the same as losing one’s self. I was used to be on my own and out of the blue, someone knocked on my door and tried to show me how it feels to have somebody to love. And it was definitely more fun! But circumstances did not allow me to have that experience for as long as I want it. It was so fast. I had to go back to being on my own in everything and I was not ready.

Maybe I felt lost somehow, but you know, it is always our option to go back or find our way back.

I hope I can finally get over what it was, and move forward for life never cease over these little moments.

It’s almost 5 in the morning and as almost usual, I’m still up.

_________________________________________________

I’m thinking about my two close friends now.

Those are two girls that are worth finding. They are extremely beautiful without them knowing. They choose not to know. They were amazing , talented, and wise, again, without them bragging. I am not lying about them. They are tall, they can use it to their advantage and  maybe try modelling or pageants but no, they choose not to, maybe for now. But I hope they try. Sayang, they already have what it takes, the beauty and the brains and of course, their hearts.

We always have the kind of conversations na hahanap-hanapin mo. Yung deep but chill na conversations about life, love, what we’re currently up to, worries, fears, likes, dislikes, prayers, hopes and dreams, future boyfriends and all other  additional humours na talaga namang natural lang na masalit sa mga little chikahan. Because we all have gift of humour. Kapag nagtatawanan kami, ang lakas lakas, parang wala nang bukas, kase nakakatawa talaga kapag biruan part.

I remember our conversation under the university tree one summer afternoon. Sobrang sarap balikan non. (This is worth another blog post) So saka ko na lang ikukwento yon.

They both pray for love life. Because they long for it. Matagal na. Kahit magaganda sila, hindi sila ligawin because they themselves, alam nila how to keep their calm pagdating sa ganyang usapan. Hindi kami nagmamadali but we want to experience the feeling of having someone. Lalo sila. They pray for it and I pray na ibigay na sana ni Lord sa kanila. They deserve someone na magmamahal sa kanila the way they want to. Swerte din naman the guys na mamahalin nila.

They pray for mine also. But I don’t know if I need him right now. I’m okay with how I am now. Hindi pa ko ready, alam ko. Pero sila, gusto na nila.

The Lord hears and knows what our hearts desire so I know, the time will come. God will hear it girls. Alam niyo naman yon.

 

Will This Be My Last Post About Him?

July 16, 2016

It’s like I’m slowly falling in love with the ideas of him..of missing him.

To tell the truth, there is no day that I haven’t thought about him. I am wondering every single day if he’s okay, what is his new plan. I want to badly know how’s his day been, if he started his diet and exercise; what time did he go to bed, what movies did he watch. I don’t know. I sound stupid right now. Because since the day he came into my life, I never stopped thinking about him. I somehow always wanted to go back to the start; that night.

We haven’t talked for a while now. It was like abandoning a house full of promising furnitures and lightings, the feeling. Like suddenly walking away from him, from each other with the hopes that one of us will cry out ‘stop!’ to stop the both of us from walking another foot away.

But no one’s crying out ‘stop!’. I guess we both have reasons; different reasons.

I might never stop him from walking away, because it doesn’t feel right. Even though there are days that my text message is just a click away. A message containing the words ‘i miss you’ and it’s not just an ordinary expression, because I mean it. There are days that I really wanted him to know that. But I can’t.

If this is a game of love, the ball is not on my court, it is in his.

Maybe some people will say; ‘I think you have to fight for him if you feel like falling in love with him.’ Sounds uhmm.. heroic, isn’t it? To fight and fight in the name of love. But I won’t. Simply because I have the instinct that I will not win whatever I do. It isn’t worth the leap if I know that I’m gonna jump at nothing.

Because sometimes, you have to get tired of risking to know if the person is worth risking.

I am not so sure if I am falling in love with him or just the idea of him. Those were two different matters. Maybe just because I realized that loving another person is happier than just being alone.

But you know what I realized?

I realized that God has always His own reasons why two people have to take different roads instead of just one. We might bump each other again along the way, only to find out that we still need time to grow apart. We might talk again, we might not. But whatever it is; God has reasons. I might not know those reasons again but I trust in it. Because that’s faith and I want to believe that I have it in me. (insert my wink)