Unrequited

Love, you feel like worlds apart already. I’m proud of you, for wanting to know yourself; for singing your heart out and for serving the Lord. Whenever I look at you, my heart skips a beat. My eyes gravitate towards you and I kept thinking ‘what a handsome man God has made, what a good heart you must have’. I talked to you yesterday and I asked how you are and I always hope you’re okay. When you tried to offer your hand when I’m about to jump from the riser, I did not grab it. But I was looking at you and for a moment; it feels like there’s only me and you. Your voice is music to my ears, whenever you laugh and talk, makes me happy without you knowing it. But yesterday, I saw a glimpse of something, a dead end. I felt like whatever we have right now which is nothing; is what we’re meant to have for the rest of our lives. It’s tearing me inside and out but I have to accept things and try to be happy also. Just like how I felt happy when I saw a glimpse of you being my only man in this life that God has given me.

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I miss the feeling of getting to know by someone.

It feels like a long lost memory.

For today, I’m a little too much for the world. Not all people will understand.

I’m a little too peculiar for the world to see.

I’m a little too kind for the world to care.

I’m a  little too loud for the world to hear.

I’m a little too much of anything I can think of, and no one will notice.

But I’m looking forward.

I’m back! Hoping to not leave again.

I rest for a while..

I’m going back now.

I’ll write again. Because I’ve gathered enough pains to turn into words and letters.

And while I’m still remembering my hashtags and categories, I know I’ll write again. Because I am trying to find my missing pieces. I know it’s clichè, being broken into pieces. But there’s always those times that life gives you some things that make you think you shattered inside; those things and moments are part of life.

It is up to you how to turn it into weapons for after those moments, life might give you something stronger. You might need a weapon. 

​It’s been a long day. 
Nagkaroon ng concert ngayon. Celebration ng Christ the King at pagtatapos ng jubilee year of mercy. It’s all worth it. Lahat ng mga pagod sa praktis which is hindi naman talaga ramdam, nag payoff. Si Lord, dahil sa kanya lahat ng yan. 

Runaway with me, will you? Oh, and one more thing, will you stay?

It’s hard to wait. I know.

But now I also know that, I’m not anymore afraid to love. To love and be happy or be hurt. I will wait even if it takes forever. I will love a man who deserves all the love I can give.

I’ll kiss. No matter how bad I think it’s gonna be. I’ll kiss slowly, intimately and gently. Because that’s how I want to receive the first kiss.

I will hold his hand and never let it go, except when he needs to pee. But kidding aside, I will never let go of the hand I have waited for too long and still waiting for I don’t know how long.

I already cut my hair super short expecting him to come before all the hair reaches my back. But now it’s almost all over my back. I was a fool to give love my own timeline. It can never work that way. If it takes more cutting of hair before I meet him, then so be it. I just pray I will meet him at the right length of my hair.

When the day comes I meet him, I would want him to runaway with me.

I think i just wanna be a friend, the ‘just-always-a-friend’ as what I am now.

I think I want to stay that way because it’s waaaay safer and comforting.

To not think about the ‘what if’s’, ‘what is’, ‘how’, ‘when’and the most frustrating ‘why’s’.

To sleep at night without worrying about him, about us, and what’s best for us.

To wake up in the morning without that hopes of unexpected good morning messages from a person.

I just want to worry about me, and what’s best for me.

It’s painful to be in a situation where you expect more and can’t be given more.